Dear diary, I don’t know what to do with myself now. ****************************************************************** Wow… this place is huge. Granted, when I start moving furniture in it won’t feel that way anymore, but still, damn. I love it. I have been staring at this listing for three months. Three months. I budget my income; I saved a little – lies – a lot on the side for all the deposits and fees; I visited the building multiple times; I even prayed. Actually prayed. Like, put my whole body, mind and soul into asking God for this apartment. Three months. And now, I am finally here. Just… wow. I don’t really know what to do with myself at this point. I left earlier than I planned, so the furniture, that I haven’t paid for yet – but I will, won’t be here for a while… and I still need to get groceries, and utensils and equipment; a few decorations, throw pillows; and I wanted a little paint job to be done in the bedroom and kitchen… and an inspection from both a contractor and an exterminator, you know, just to be safe – all before I finally brought my stuff - and myself - over. God damn it! Even when I’m finally leaving, this woman still finds ways to screw me over. I can’t move in yet. Ahh! Fuck you. “Hello? Good evening.” “Hi. How much are your rates per night?” Mad annoying. “For how many people?” “Just one.” “That’ll be $60, including breakfast.” “Okay. I would like to book a room for one for the whole week, please.” “No problem. When will you be moving in?” “Tonight. I’m on my way.” “Alright, no problem see you then. Thank you.” “Thank you.” Good thing I saved up for something like this too. Man, you always got to put in a little extra on the side, just in case. I can’t front though, I am really excited for this. I’m actually moving into my own place. Ahhhh! This is so exciting. I’m very happy. Despite the circumstances, I am very happy. Thank you Jesus. I guess. Anyway, time to go. Glad I don’t have that much crap. I was never into shopping; couldn’t be one of those people that just had to look fly, or just wanted to; I could never tell the difference; and I always bought exactly what I needed once I started to save for this place; and I wasn’t going to take what wasn’t truly mine. So moving was never going to be a problem for me. Now, I just need to speed up everything so that I can be moved in by the end of the week… end. But man, I am starving. It has been one hell of a day. I love Chinese food. Fuck all you healthy people. I love Chinese food. Even though, yes, I am very well aware that it is not healthy, I just don’t want you mo-fo’s trying to preach or lecture me. Cause all I’m saying is: I love Chinese food. Get some pork fried rice with onions, boneless spare ribs, one or two extra egg rolls, a can of orange soda and sprite, extra soy and duck sauce and BAM! You got yourself some real comfort food. Put something nasty on on Netflix, turn the lights off, put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door and enjoy the rest of the night…. You know, if that’s what you’re into. Do you know what would make me happy though? Her. I should call her. Tell her the good news. Wait… but, we’re not even together like that though. Should I tell her? Or should I wait until next time? Ooooh that would be a nice surprise. Yeah. I’ll wait until next time, and just, nonchalantly, mention it in the conversation. I miss her. She makes me happy. She’s really the only one that does. I should text her. Should I? I should text her. - Hey - Hey you. What’s up? - Nothing much, chilling. How are you? - I’m good. Trying out this new recipe but it is not ending well lol. What are you up to? - Chinese food. :-D - Lol oh word? And mine is where? - Lol right here. Come and get it. Shit! Just like that, in an instant, my mind’s gone in the wrong direction. - I’m sorry. That came out dirty. - Lol it’s alright. I know you. Pause. I know you. The fuck? I know you? What? Why? How? Because you have become dependent on her. Bullshit. She’s great company, and a really good friend. But that’s it. She doesn’t treat me like shit, or make me feel like shit or like I’m worthless. I’m not denying that, but dependent? Nah, bro, fuck out here with that mess. - Oh you know me huh? Lol Ain’t nothing funny about this shit. - Yes. I know you. I know what you like, I know what you don’t like. I know how you think, how you think about yourself…. And how you want others to think about you. I know how you feel and how you want to feel. I know what hurts you and what makes you happy. I. Know. You. Lol ;P. Well, shit. - That is very interesting. Enlighten me then, give me some specifics. - Well… Nah, ya’ll don’t get to know those just yet. Now, don't get me wrong.... I am not dependent on anyone. If I couldn’t be dependent on her, then who the fuck else is really going to take care of me? No one. It’s not easy, I know. You think you’re safe and loved and in good company because there are so many people around you; either literally or in general; but then, you have an issue, or you’re going through some real stuff, and poof! Everyone seems to have magically vanished. It’s not magic, or rocket science. It’s life and facts. That’s just the way it is. And so, I’m on my own, with a few good friends. Really good ones. That’s it. Maybe Jesus, but I got beef with Him right now.