Her Words.

I sign displaying 'I hate nothing about u' and a heart.

“I love you. You know I do. And I always will. But I have to go. I have to take this opportunity. 

Don’t worry. You don’t have to say anything back. I don’t expect you to. I know you don’t love me. Not fully. Not entirely. 

Don’t get me wrong, you try. You do, and I appreciate that. But you don’t love me. Not the way I love you. 

You can’t. 

Not yet anyway. Not until you learn to love yourself. 

But I love you. You know I do. All of you. And I always will.”

Those words still haunt me. All the time actually. In my head. In my heart. In my spirit. All the time.

“You try. You do, and I appreciate that. But you don’t love me.”

What did she mean I can’t? I can love. I can love hard. You don’t know. And I love myself. I’m awesome.

Right?

Damn. Her words cut deep. She wasn’t even mad. She said them so… matter of fact like; like it was common knowledge; like I should have already known that I can’t love. Not yet anyway.

I do love you, I said.

She smiled.

I know you think you do, sweetheart. I appreciate that.

Enough with this ‘appreciate’ nonsense.

You don’t have to go. There are organizations all over Brooklyn that can give you the same opportunity. You don’t have to go.

I do. I can’t stay here and you know that. We agreed. They don’t even know about us. And while you did warn me about that at the beginning, I can’t anymore. I’m sorry.

Our careers come first, right?

Right.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this dejected before.

I love you. You know I do. I always will.

I can’t even be mad at her. Her words were not malicious. This was her truth. This has been her truth. For a whole year. Loving someone whom she deemed incapable of loving her back. Yikes. I would’ve taken a job in Italy too.

But what does that even mean? You don’t love yourself. I know who I am and I accept who I am. What else is there? Is that not loving myself? Can you tell me? And why bring this up now, huh? After a whole year. Is she running away? Is this job her one way ticket away from me?

Why wait until now? Why when you’ve chosen to leave? Why not say something sooner? Why not fix me?

Because no one can make you love yourself. They can only acknowledge your flaws, show you your best parts, love you for all of who you are and encourage you to do the same.

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