Box with a 'Just for you' tag.

Looking back I see what has been chasing me this entire time. It really is intriguing. There were a number of pieces of work that, in some weird way, kind of (definitely) opened my eyes about where my head was when given the opportunity to be uncensored. Throughout a particular class, and looking through my personal journals, I have uncovered a number of parts of me that I never even realized or discovered before.

Reading through the work that I did during this class, it has become apparent to me that I tend to lean towards the negative aspect, no matter what the situation may be, and I am looking for the positive.

I would create a piece of work that speaks to a positive situation, but I would not be part of the situation. I would be on the outside looking in, hoping or responding “one day I’ll be there, one day, but not yet”. 

An example of this was my first journal “Where was she?” In this journal, I was reflecting back on a particular moment after church that day. I wrote this journal in poetry form in the third person point of view, and when I read it out loud, I sort of got depressed. It was sad, but the truth is, that was how I was feeling.

This desire for a positive situation, but a reality of a negative one, I found, was the underlying theme of almost all of my work. In the work that we did through arts and crafts in this particular class, I picked solely sky pictures to make my collage, and letters that (not so clearly) spelled out “save me Yahweh”. An outright statement of asking God for help, while looking at the sky.

Speaks volumes to who I am, huh?

Writing about freedom from an undesirable situation and state of mind, and escaping it is a common theme in what I see and how I perceive a lot in life. Ignoring it and turning a blind eye to this aspect of my behavior, even though it has shown itself in many of my written works, hasn’t – and won’t – help in healing any problems that result from this negative outlook.

Craig Smith stated at a TED Talk that “Silence is the residue of fear. It is the feeling your flaws gut-wrench guillotine your tongue. It is air retreating from your chest because it doesn’t feel safe in your lungs… So this year, instead of giving something up, I will live everyday as if there were a microphone tucked under my tongue…”

David Whyte wrote in his poem “Put down the weight of your lonesomeness and ease into the conversation. The kettle is singing even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots have left their arrogant aloofness and seen the good in you at last. All the birds and creatures of the world are unutterably themselves. Everything is waiting for you.”

Ignoring this tendency, in a way, was how I was silent towards what was going with me, but through some of these pieces of work, I have opened up and am seeing the pattern. Hopefully, I can begin to see the positive in any situation and write more about all the possibilities waiting for me beyond this negative outlook.

Through writing like this, on here and anywhere else, I would like further discover where my subconscious primarily lies and what I find most important to me and how I can reach those goals.

I would delve into how travelling around through my childhood affected my view on diversity; having fairly traditional parents; my inability to settle down in an area, yet desperately wanting to; and at what point was my view on trust and relationships damaged. Exploration of these parts of myself is my main goal and path as to why I have these emotions, feelings and thoughts, and I would like to know what You think as well.

With these new found answers and information, I think I’ll be able to address the problem – that I probably didn’t even realize I had – and move on to a better state of mind and being. This would also be reflected in my way of living and response to whatever life brings my way. 

In this context of writing, I can really paint a picture of myself that I can’t see in a mirror, and really begin to actually understand who I am, piece by piece. For example, my negative my outlook was when I wasn’t lying to myself and others. I was also able to discover this through writing.

Writing from a different point of view put me on the outside of the story, separating me from that “person”. From this position, I definitely see myself in a different light, which will be how I’ll discover myself even more.

I hope.

So, thank you. And enjoy.

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